- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."

Currently Reading The Lazy Way to Success: How to Do Nothing and Accomplish Everything By Fred Gratzon see related

Ok I know I haven’t written in a while….im pretty sure no one has and im also pretty sure no one is going to read this, but its 530 in the morning and Im at work and there is nothing to do. I’m not sure  what this rant is going to be about im just going to write until I loose interest. A lot of stuff has happened in the world since my last post so whatever here we go….o Ive seen Charlie and the Chocolate factory three times. (downloaded illegally on my computer) and, well I have some things to say about it. Ok, first of all when I was in 5^th grade my teacher miss glass read us the original book and I really liked the story. Then after she finished we watched the movie. And I was SCARED TO DEATH BY IT. Seriously it was fucking weird, from the umpa lumpas and them being all orange and stuff to the fact that the willy wonka had a kinda serial killer vibe to him. Plus there was that one scene when they are on the boat and dude is singing that scary song/speech . I still remember being scared to the point where I left. Then the movie just randomly ended. And that was it.

I came into this movie experience expecting a musical and basically a remake, like other remakes that have come out recently. (isn’t it funny how uncreative Hollywood is these days reality t.v and remakes of old movies…anyways) Pros: The script is closer to the book, which was nice, considering I liked the book way better than the movie….it isn’t a complete musical. The acting of the children was ok I guess.…The flaming puppet introduction when they first got to the factory was so funny. The story actually comes to a end. Where Charlie and his family move into the factory.  Cons: ok one….why does willy wonka look exactly like Michael Jackson. Witch version of mike you ask…cuz you know a new model comes out every once in a while. He reminds me of the You are not alone mike with the short hair and such. Lets see….the umpa lumpas are all one guy. Witch is really gay. The songs the umpa lumpas sing are really really really bad. They are gone with the green hair and orange skin, And are small like they are in the book. And it also goes into how exactly how got all of the umpa lumpas to the factory, witch also is disturbing. A burning question tho…why can the umpa lumpas sing and dance in English and a umpa lumpa ends up being the narrator of the story. But when ever wonka tries to talk to them they talk in a blibberish combination of bat like sounds and hand signals, kinda like when certain girls who im not going to name…but sound like…JAMIE. ( ill get to my roasting of her in a second) Also it was one of those movies where Im not sure what time frame the movie takes place in, like the town charley lives in is all old and stuff and so are all the cars and clothes. But then they show china its all futuristic and then one of the girls lives in a subdivision in atl. With new houses. Did I mention that willy wonka looks like Michael Jackson….all together I give it a C- minus. Its ok, probably a lot better if some sort of pills were consumed before the flick.

On to sports. As you all know randy moss admitted to smoking weed from time to time. Now everyone is all mad and stuff. It got me thinking, why is everyone care so much about weed smoking in the nfl. I understand the whole performance enhancing drug thing but weed doesn’t enhance performance, I think with the trouble people have of covering moss they wish he would show up high. Where he would probably get hungry half way through the first quarter, leave go get some funions then fall asleep.

TO. Well what can I say. I don’t know if he is a genius or a idiot, Or a combination of both. All I know is the eagles are going to suck this year and so are the patriots. The super bowl is going to be the Bengals, and some random team from the nfc. Wouldn’t it be funny if the Bengals in the cardinals make it to the super bowl?

The Cincinnati reds are the best bad team in baseball. They lead the league in almost every offensive category but…cant pitch at all, correction couldn’t pitch at all. They are decent now. The reds are that guy from high school who slacked off for three years then halfway through his senior year realized that he probably wont get into college, started finally living up to his potential when it was too late.

On to girls. Me and Jamie broke up. In fact she dumped me ha-ha. Someone ask me if I care…its funny cuz she dumped me over aim when I was sleep. I finally got to be the guy on the rebound. That is great in fact I might have to use this ploy in the future. Fifi read the im and got mad at her because “im such a sweet guy. And didn’t deserve to be treated like that” hehe. And yeah. You know the rest. (insert the corny III get on music here. Dubidy dubidy dubidy dubidy…).  Well the other day I was wit her and had to go to the store to buy some…flippers…for our swimming contest, and I forgot my phone. And she started going through my phone and started texting my friends, im not sure wat was said but she talked to Jackie….and Jackie tried to CB from hundreds of miles away. How you ask? By saying me and her were together. I was like what the fuck. So I came back all ready to go swimming and I had to prove to her that I wasn’t dating Jackie. But after words we swam. I “dove into the shallow end” it was fun. We’ll see what happens there.

Ok. I think im loosing interest I might keep writing later im here till three in the afternoon and don’t really feel like working. Im bout to take a nap… while protecting the great usa from evil. out